Thursday, September 1, 2011

tug of war

Scott and I went to visit his orthopedic surgeon this afternoon. It was NOT a good appointment. We left feeling very sad and helpless. He is going to team up with a specialist to hopefully put a plan together for Scott's care. We go to see the specialist on the 14th of this month. At the very least, I believe we are looking at another surgery. The only way that will not take place is if the specialist does not think it is safe to remove the "cyst" from Scott's knee. I put quotation marks around the word cyst, because apparently now we are not sure that, that is what it is.

I know that I am being sortof vague. I want to share with you what I can, and I do use this blog as a journal. However, I do have to remember that this is the internet and nothing is protected. I have said it before. If those of you who pray for Scott would like more specific details, always feel free to email me.

I labeled this post "Tug of War" because there is a MAJOR battle going on inside my mind and my heart right now. It goes a little something like this:

FLESH: Damn it!!! (and yes, I did say Damn it) because that is how I feel! I mean, seriously, can we NOT catch even the smallest of breaks???!!!! Scott has had more surgeries (this will be number 7) in two years than most people have had during their lifetime. How much more can he take emotionally and physically?! Can we not just be normal?? I am so tired of doctor's offices/hospitals/emergency rooms/medicines and everything that goes along with it! I am tired of being financially indebted to the hospital! I am tired of being a caregiver and Scott is tired of being my patient at home. We are both tired of explaining to a five year old why daddy cannot do certain things. Scott is tired of always hurting. I am tired of seeing him hurt.

(The above list goes on and on and on....)

SPIRIT: First and foremost, this earth is NOT our home. I was never promised happiness while here. I was only promised peace and fulfilment within Christ. Life may not be easy or fair, but life isn't about us. Rather than dwelling on the negative/hurtful aspects of my circumstances, maybe I should turn my focus where it belongs and look for ways to glorify God through these trials. Nothing about Jesus' earthly life was easy. If I TRULY want to live like Him, I should stop the whining and get on my knees. I should take what I've been given and make the best out of it. All the while PRAISING God for the blessings in my life. They FAR outweigh the bad!

Okay, that is what is going on inside me right now. I am so torn. The Andrea in me wants to crawl up under a blanket, give up and cry for days. The Jesus inside of me will not allow that. I do not mean that I do not cry. HA! I certainly do! I just mean, I cannot withdraw from the world and fall to pieces. Even though I want to. I love God, and my family means more to me than anything on earth. I will do everything I can to fight this fight with Scott. I just thank those of you who are consistently praying for us. We love you. And thank you for allowing me to vent!

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