today i feel....

....sad.

Ugly.  Used.  Rejected.  Lonely.  Angry. 

                Beat down.

Pain.  Taken advantage of.  Stupid.

I will have to flip my pillow tonight.  It is stained from last night.  I cried myself to sleep.  And tonight's not looking too good either.  I would give anything if I could share with you everything that is on my heart.  I hate that I have to be so vague.  It's just not appropriate to share.  And probably never will be.  Just know that what I am experiencing tonight are feelings that are felt by people all over the world.  You do not have to know the details of my life to relate to me.  I'm sure you have your own burdens you are lugging around.  And I am also sure that they are equally as heavy. 

And painful.

All I know is, it should be a RULE that if you've been hurt (really hurt) once in your lifetime, you should not have to endure it another time.  Once is enough.  Wouldn't you agree? 

And the worst part?  The mask you have to wear in front of other people.  You know the one I'm referring to... the "I'm fine" mask.  We've all put it on at one time or another.  In my case, it is with my son.  He (unknowingly) referenced something tonight that made me hurt so bad.  Love his heart.  He had no way of knowing the affect his words would have on me.  Before I had the chance to turn away, my eyes filled up with tears.  "Mommy!  What's wrong?  Are you sad?"  He asked so sweetly.  I told him yes, that I missed our dog.  Ha!  While there is some truth to that, it certainly was not why I was beginning to cry.  He is such a sweet boy.  I love his little heart.

And he loves mine.   If everyone loved the way he does, life would be a lot more simple.

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.

Psalm 34:18 (the Message Bible)

 

 

Having said all of this, I know that God has something great planned for me.  And it will be His plan this time, NOT mine.  I am definitely DONE making plans.  It is clear that I have no idea what I am doing.  So, I will trust Him.

 

Even when it hurts.