Wednesday, October 16, 2013

that's God

Edited to add:  I write the majority of my posts beforehand, as you probably have figured out.  Because of this, I often read and re-read them again before they are scheduled to post to the blog.  In doing this, recently I have become aware of how the tone might come across. They seem, at times, to be so negative.  I thought of apologizing for that, but then I reminded myself that this blog serves as a journal for me.  If I ever close it out, my goal will be to put it in some form of a "book" for JP to have when he's older.  These are my feelings.  My thoughts.  And just like everyone else, sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad.  My world has been shaken this past year and although I would like to think that I am doing very well, I have days when Satan attacks me in very real ways.  The past few days have been that way for me.  So, today you are reading another DEEP post that has been written from some of the pain I have experienced.  Although the painful posts tend to outweigh the positive posts at this time in my journey, my prayer is that God will use my feelings and experiences to grow you closer to Him.  God bless...

Social media is certainly not a bad thing.  And I make no secret of the fact that I love Facebook, Instagram and all the technological venues through which I find encouragement and love.  This week, however, Satan used social media to strike me down.  And unfortunately it worked.  I fell in the bed late last night sobbing, of course, and didn't get up until JUST NOW.  It's 2:25pm.  The tears are still rolling, but I am about to cut them off because it's time to get my baby from school.

The bright part of my day.  Every day. 

I won't put in writing what took place the past two days. However,  I will put in writing WHY it took place.  God is doing some amazing things in my life.  He is opening several VERY exciting doors for me.  Because of this, Satan has been threatened.  He is working overtime to steal my joy.  He knows the buttons to push and the people to use to hurt me.  I wish that I could tell you that I was above his attempts.  But I'm not.  I am human.  And because my heart is not fully restored, it is breakable.  Very breakable. And last night I found myself, once again, sitting in a pile of shattered pieces.  Literally.

My devotion this morning confirmed my thoughts on Satan...

 "Satan is on a mission to destroy everything God has established....God always has the upper hand and in the end, Satan will be destroyed."   Isaiah 25:11 "His pride will be brought low, along with the trickery of his hands."  The author went on to say, "We know that even though Satan cannot rob us of our salvation once we have entrusted our lives to Christ, he is still bent on destroying our testimonies, families and churches. and he attempts to steal our joy along with every other gift God gives."   (Emphasis mine.)

I would love to stop here and tell you that reading God's Word this morning immediately made me feel better.  It didn't.  I canceled a teaching job I had scheduled for today (which I have NEVER done) because I was not able to get out of bed.  I couldn't move.  I felt paralyzed.  And naturally Satan loved that.  He used the whole morning to plant all kinds of thoughts in my head. 

I finally managed to get up, eat a bowl of soup and run a hot bath.  While I was in the tub, a great friend a member of my family sent me a verse of scripture.  I had not spoken with her, but God had placed it on her heart to do so.  The verse was a good one, "He is before all things and in Him, all things hold together."  Colossians 1:17.  After my bath I opened my laptop and was actually going to blog about that verse.  A funny thing happened.  When I put the scripture reference into my GOOGLE search engine, it brought up an entirely different passage. Odd, I thought.  So, I entered it again.  The same thing happened.  My heart began to race, so at this point it was obvious to me that God had something else He wanted me to read.  Before I share with you what God SPECIFICALLY told me today, let me tell you how I have felt for the past two days.  Defeated.  Beaten down.  UGLY.  Used.  Broken.  Hurt.  Angry at the actions of others.  Bitter.  Defensive.  Tired.  Confused (at the lack of action of others) and just plain mad. 

Now, here is what God sent me at 2:25 this afternoon:

" Pursue the things over which Christ presides.  Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground absorbed with the things right in front of you.  Look up and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is!  See things from His perspective." 
" chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength and discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place , quick to forgive an offense.  Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.  And regardless of what else you put on, wear LOVE.  It is your basic all-purpose garment.  Never be without it."  (Colossians 3:1-2, 12-14)
God is amazing, isn't He?  I highlighted being content with second place, because that is an emotion I have really struggled with for obvious reasons.  But, God is asking me to be content with whatever place I fall into.  Knowing that in HIS eyes, I am anything but second place.  I am precious to him.  My hurt feelings will not disappear overnight, but what God provided me with today was a reassurance that He is closer to me than I realize.  And so attentive to my needs.  I have been guilty of placing my happiness and security in other people.  Even my friends around me.  And I am continuing to learn that, that is a recipe for disaster.  My only expectations, my only hope and my only love needs to be found in Jesus. 
For now, my tears have stopped.  I hope it stays that way...  Although I do not have to work tomorrow (Wednesday), I plan to wake up, shower and clothe myself in the wardrobe my Father has already picked out.
And it will be a better day.  


Kathi Owens said...

It is amazing to see God working in your life! Your faith is strong, and God is using you and your trials to share His word. Your faith is amazing. When you share God's word, you are giving hope to many. Thank you for being a faithful servant!

Andrea said...

You are bias! :) Thank you for always supporting me.... I love you FAR more than you know.