Allow me to begin on a very positive note.
My friend Jennifer contacted me about a week ago and offered me two tickets to the Women of Faith Conference in Charlotte this weekend. I don't know if you've ever been to one, but they are awesome. The best part (and the reason she offered them to me) was the speaker was MAX LUCADO!! Anyone who knows me, knows how much I
In addition to being excited about hearing Max Lucado speak, I was really excited about staying over night in a hotel. Once again....anyone who knows me, knows my LOVE for hotels. Which is really ironic since I grew up camping. But, I do. I love the cold air, the cold firm sheets on the bed and the overly fluffy pillows! And, if you're in a really nice hotel, the complimentary breakfast! YUM. E. So if you find yourself heading out of town and need a roommate, I'm your girl!
Drum roll please... Here I am with my
Let me just say that during that moment, I literally felt my heart break. Probably for the first time. I mean, for a year now there have been times when my sadness has overwhelmed me, or I have been crippled by the pain of my circumstances. But on this day, I actually felt my heart breaking. And I know in my head it's not the truth, but for the first time, I FELT like the older model. Used. Dirty.
And it hurt. Bad.
Our weekend did end on a positive note. We skipped out a little bit early, enjoyed a nice dinner at Olive Garden before heading home and then my girl, Kathi treated me to a night out on the town in Greenville. As always, that worked wonders for my spirit.
Her husband was in France, so when we finally rolled in to her neighborhood, we passed out in her bed around 1:00am. I was completely DRAINED. It was a good sleep. Thanks, girl for always supporting me. I love you to the moon....
I skipped church Sunday morning to drive to Spartanburg to spend a few hours with my Charlie. I call him my Charlie because there are really not enough adjectives in my word bank to describe what his friendship means to me. We ate lunch outside of the hospital where he works and had a wonderful, much needed, conversation. I can always count on him to lift my spirits.
When you are going through a divorce, often times, it is tough to pick up where you left off before you said "I do." You have to work hard to find your identity. You are a different person. For eleven years, I was one girl. A partner to someone. A spouse. A teammate. A best friend. Now that, that has been taken from me, I have struggled with finding who I am.
Tonight, I was playing Chris Tomlin radio on Pandora and scratching JP's back waiting on him to fall asleep. Michael W. Smith's song, Above All came on. I wasn't paying too much attention, because if the truth be told, I do not really like the song. But one line jumped out of the speakers and hit me square in the heart...
"....crucified, laid behind a stone. You lived to die, rejected and alone. Like a rose, trampled to the ground, you took the fall...and thought of me, above all."
I highlighted the part that spoke the loudest to me. I have a lot of support and some really great friends, but there is no one on a daily basis I can talk with or spend time with who knows EXACTLY how I feel. And I'm here to tell you, that is a LONELY place. But God reminded me, through these lyrics, that I do not have to be alone. And there IS someone who knows exactly how I feel.
Jesus. He was rejected. He was lonely. He was trampled on the ground. He took a fall.
Laying in bed next to my little blessing I prayed and thanked God for His spirit. His pain was so great, but He endured it so that He could carry out the will of His Father. What makes my pain any different? It doesn't. Ultimately, my responsibility is to endure whatever may come my way in this life to fulfill a greater purpose.
For the first time ever, I actually enjoyed listening to that song! In HEARING it, I found peace. I found an understanding. But, best of all, I found my identity...