What I learned today...

I learned today that it's okay to not be okay. Allow me to explain. While "surfing" the adoption blogs today I ran across one that touched me. This particular mother wrote that although she was a born-again Christian and inlove with Jesus, she was not okay with the fact that she did not have her baby yet. She wrote for a page and a half and completely unloaded and vented about how she was feeling. She is tired of walking past an empty nursery every day and night. She is tired of checking her email at work EVERY TEN MINUTES ( I can hear my co-workers laughing right now!) She is tired of praying the same prayer over and over and over again only to go through another day with no news whatsoever! She is tired of literally jumping every time her home phone rings only to see that it's the same dreaded 1-800 number that called the last ten times she jumped up!

My new adoption friends know that this list goes on and on. In reading her blog I was able to be honest with myself and admit that I am not okay with those things either. It was as if she climbed into my head and wrote down what I was feeling. By reading her HONEST entry, I felt better about not feeling so good! Does that make sense?! (my mom will understand!) After I finished reading (and checking my email ONE LAST TIME,) I went into the living room, got down on my knees and told God how I REALLY feel. And you know what?? He is okay with that too! He already knows that I am not okay. I just rarely voice that to Him. That changed this afternoon. He reminded me that I would not be ready for motherhood and I would not be ready to care for JP the way He wants me to if I DIDN'T mourn for him right now. What mother wouldn't feel these things after holding their new baby for the first time and then
leaving him? No-one I know.

Anyway, the moral of this Xtra long blog is that as Christians, we are not suppose to always be happy or okay with our circumstances. Just because we are upset or sad or emotional doesn't mean that we are not trusting God OR His timing. When you are faced with difficult trials, we have no other choice BUT to trust Him. After I prayed God used an obedient friend to give me His Word. This is what He said through her: "You have seen correctly, for I am watching to see that My Word is fulfilled." Jeremiah 1:12. Enough said. God is at work even though Scott and I are unable to see that. Or feel that. In the meantime we may continue to cry. We may continue to be crabby. We may continue to be exhausted from this roller coaster ride called adoption. We may not always answer the phone b/c we're unable to talk, but at the end of the day we STILL say "thank you" to God for His blessings. We have plenty of those. We will just feel more complete when He delivers our BIGGEST blessing!

Thanks for those of you who read this entire thing....I'm sorry! Maybe I'm doing this more for myself than anything else. It's kind of like opening your journal and letting everyone read what you have written. Thanks for the continued prayers. Although I am going to TRY not to check my email but ONCE tomorrow, I will definitely let everyone know if I actually do hear something. To my "obedient friend" thank you!

Good night<><