After this past kick-out, I have walked around like a zombie. I have absolutely nothing to say. Not to God, not to family, not to friends. Nobody. I am so hurt. I DO know that this happens to lots of families. There is nothing special about us that would exempt us from this heartache. My brokenness comes from something much deeper. Only God and I understand what I am referring to. I have spent COUNTLESS nights in JP's room on my face before God, asking Him to bring JP home. Asking Him NOT to allow our case to get kicked out. After the first time, I remained somewhat calm. Friday at school, my case worker emailed me and told me that things looked pretty good. A few of her cases had been kicked out but ours was not one of them. Not an hour later she emailed me that we actually had gotten kicked out. I went from cloud nine to a puddle on the floor in an hours time. BOY was I tired when I got home. What an emotional roller coaster! Anyway, I am completely out of energy. I am no longer going to act like I'm okay, because I am the furthest thing from that right now. My heart is broken. I am going to wake up tomorrow morning and go about my day. I'll do the same thing Monday. I will not be happy though until our boy comes out of PGN.
My family and friends who read this....do not panic! I will be okay. This is just a grieving process for me. Scott was reading over my shoulder just now and said, "You shouldn't post that." I asked him why. He said, "because people will think you are crazy. You said that you do not want to talk to God." Well, he's right about being crazy--I AM! My response to the "talking to God" comment??
"..the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26
Thank goodness God is listening to my heart and not my mind!
6 comments:
Oh, you're not crazy! The good news is, He loves us, even if we don't feel like talking to Him at the moment. He loves us, even when we're being the most unlovable, and that's okay. Hang in there, I know this was a tough blow. If He leads you to it, He'll lead you through it! Just keep your eyes on that gorgeous little prize!
Andrea,
I know the pain of wanting your precious child in your arms. It's so hard to try to think of an earthly explanation for things that we DO NOT understand. I don't know why this has happened to you, and I don't know why all that crap happened to me this week. What I do know is that God loves us through it all. Daisy gave me that verse you quoted after I got home from my first visit trip. There have been so many times that I was missing AP so badly and just haven't had any words. I know that even when I don't have words God knows what I need to say. Please know that I am praying for you, Scott, and JP. I pray that God overrides all this MESS in PGN and sends your son home to you soon.
I am sending love, tears, and hugs to you.
Lou
Andrea--I too don't understand why the Lord doesn't rush these babies home when we are on our faces before Him asking for his favor over our adoptions but know that there are sisters in Christ lifting you up and understanding your pain and questions...I have the same ones. Praying JP home!!!
THANKS GIRLS!!! IT IS COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHERE I AM COMING FROM!
You are SO not crazy!! Your feeling are as natural as possible. And it's ok if you aren't ready to talk to God - just know that he will be there, ready and waiting, when you are ready.
Thank God He understands our heart. I am reminded of what Psalm 68: 19 and 20 say. "Blessed be the Lord, Who bears our burdens and carries us day by day...God is to us a God of deliverances."
I don't understand why He allows these setbacks, but I do know that He promises us to carry us through them! Hang in there. Praying you back in and back out QUICKLY!!
Amanda
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