Saturday night Scott and I went to church for the "Facing the Giants" movie. Attendance was GREAT--so was the movie. Afterwards we went out for ice cream w/ Terry and Shannon and the kids. It was a good night.
So far so good.
Before we went to bed I had my quiet time. I closed my Bible, prayed and BAM, just like that my mood changed! I began crying uncontrollably and I was extremely irritated. I am so thankful that God not only accepts but appreciates our honesty. He got an earful from me. I unloaded on Him. All the same stuff, "I am tired of praying and nothing happening," "Why is JP not home yet?" Blah, blah, blah! At this point I did not know where these emotions came from. I was in such a good mood. Aren't you suppose to feel peaceful, comforted and strengthened after your quiet time?? When I finally calmed down I went back and re-read the verses from my study. This is what I read:
"When my heart was grieved,
and my spirit was embittered
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before You.
Yet I am always with You;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into Glory,
Whom have I in Heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever!" Psalm73:21-26
Boy was I a beast! A red, puffy-eyed slobbery beast! I realized that even though I felt happy at the time, my heart was still grieving- and will until JP's home. During those times, even though I yell and tell God how disappointed and bitter I am, He still holds my hand. Even tighter. If it were up to my flesh, I would be in sad shape, but God is "the strength of my heart and my portion forever!"
Father, I am thankful for Your love and Your mercy! Today I am even more thankful for Your friendship. Thank You for allowing me to be brutally honest with you when I'm unhappy. Continue to give me Your strength on a daily basis. Care for JP and please bring him, along with all the other babies, home SOON! I love you. Amen
6 comments:
Sometimes being a human is ugly. Red faced, puffy eyes, swollen ugliness. But He will carry you through this time. Get in that wheelbarrow (see one of my previous posts) and He will take you across the high wire. It's all working out in His time. Your gorgeous son will be home SOON!!
Hang in there little Momma - your baby boy is safe in the arms of Jesus and he will hold him close until you do again:)
Thanks for stopping by my blog - I will pray for you and your adoption every day until your baby boy is home safe and sound where he belongs:)
My heart goes out to you while you wait - it stinks -
Folks that are not in adoption or have never been through it cannot relate at all.
You have to go about your life and your daily routine like your baby and half of your heart is not in another country!!!!!! That is all but impossible. The last month is always the hardest!!
Go easy on yourself. Pamper yourself. Eat some comfort food. Cry at a sad movie - Chocolate is good!-take long baths and paint your toe nails - hey - try painting each one a different color:):):).
Stay busy:)
Adoption is the biggest leap of faith you will ever take. But I PROMISE you - it is worth every tear - every ounce of stress and your baby will love you forever:)
Julia:)
Andrea--Right there with you! I have had some pretty ugly days..."why haven't you answered my prayers Lord"..."why do we have to go backwards in our walk to our daughter"...blah, blah, blah. It is so hard but He is with us. He loves us and our babies more than we can imagine. I have clung to those same verses so many times and was actually just saying them to myself yesterday and today. My flesh and heart have failed many times but He is our strength. Praying with you.
I just left a comment just like this on another blog, so obviously, you're not alone! God never turns from us, even when we turn from him. Life is just plain ugly sometimes, but He is there, listening with a loving ear. The torture does end. If you can just make it one day at a time to the end, it truly does end.
Even when you're having a hard day, you are still encouraging. We are at our strongest in Christ when our flesh is tired & weak. He lifts us up. He is our "Upholder". I was just reading about that yesterday. I am continually praying for all these precious babies. I know they will all be home very soon, and we will all rejoice with you.
Daisy
Andrea,
I just love you. You are so real and honest about your feelings and down moments. I have been ok since I left AP on Friday, but I do have such moments of grief. I do trust in my heart that God will send her home soon along with all our babies. We are His precious children, and He will not forsake us. Give yourself a big hug from me.
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