I have not had a good day. I am sad and have cried alot. I woke up this morning unsure of why I was feeling this way, but as the morning went on I figured it out. I talked to my caseworker yesterday. She asked me how I was holding up. So I told her. I told her that it was very difficult to go back to waiting after we had celebrated our adoption being final. I told her that there were several milestones approaching (Mother's Day, beach vacation, 1st birthday etc..) and it scared me to death to think of JP not being here with us for them. I guess part of me was fishing for some encouragement. Nothing special, you know just, "Oh, don't worry Andrea, he'll come before then," or "you know you've been in a while with no kick outs, I'm sure every thing's fine." That would have been nice. What did she say?? "Everything happens in God's timing."
Whew!!!!!!!! I HAD NOT THOUGHT OF THAT!!!! THANK YOU FOR THE THOUGHT! NOW I FEEL MUCH BETTER.
If JP is not with us for Mother's Day, our beach trip the first of June, or for his first birthday, it's okay with me now that I know it was God's timing!! (Sense the sarcasm in my voice.) I need to go back to my "Top 10" list and add this one! Since yesterday, I have had two other well-meaning people tell me the same thing. YUK! YUK! YUK! I am about to give you my opinion on this subject.
I believe that some things happen that are not necessarily God's will. I do not believe that it is God's will for JP to still be living in an orphanage instead of here with me. I believe that he is still living in the orphanage because the director of PGN is making it difficult for us to bring him home. Now, is God allowing it to happen this way? Absolutely. I do not know the reasons why, but I am sure there are many. So, because I know this, I am mad! It is not right! And I do not need people (my caseworker) telling me that it is God's will and God's timing! I need her to allow me to be upset about what's going on in that country and scream if I want to. Note to people who have friends who are adopting: don't say this!!! If we are upset, just cry with us. Just hug us. Just get mad with us. Whatever you feel like doing. Just do not tell us that it's the Lord's will for us to be a country away from our babies! Hearing that does not make it feel any better. It actually makes me feel like, because I know that, I should suck it up, act like a good little Christian girl, and move on.
When I was little, my older brother was sick with Cancer. He died when we were young. I can't tell you how many people would come up to my mom and say, "It must have been the Lord's will," or "It was his time to go." Again I say, what???? No it was not!! He died because we live in an imperfect world and his body was unable to fight off the cancer. Hearing this didn't help my mother, it infuriated her! I am not comparing waiting on JP to losing a child. I am only saying that my mom just needed someone to be mad with her, cry with her, hurt with her.
I do too! I am completely and 100% in love with the Lord. I love talking to Him, reading His Word and listening for Him to speak. But I also know He has a perfect will and a permissive will. There will probably be someone or even a few people who will read this and disagree or be offended by what I've said. That's okay. We do not all have to agree. I just have my opinion. Maybe I should not express it on a day when I am furious! Oh well, I did create this blog for this reason. It's all a part of my "Journey Through Adoption."
I am going to try and go to bed now. I will tune in to American Idol 5 minutes before it ends to see who's voted off! (I'm not too sad for that! ha!) I will end on a positive note. My blog-friend, Lou is going to leave for Guatemala next month to be with her precious daughter until she's out of PGN! CONGRATULATIONS, LOU!
Hopefully I did not scare anyone away from my blog!! Goodnight!
7 comments:
How do I love you?? Let me count the ways. You are so honest and say what all of us are thinking. I totally agree with you. God allows things to happen, and we do live in an imperfect world. I truly believe that PGN is IMPERFECT, and our babies pay the price. I too love God, and I lean on Him constantly. He speaks to me so many ways, and I know that He is here with me. I don't need people telling me that "God has perfect timing". I know that He does, and that's why we started this adoption process. Just know that if I were there with you, I would hug you, scream with you, and yes, be pissed off with you. Sometimes there's just nothing else to do but cry. Just know that you're not crying alone. Pretend that I am there holding your hand! Thank you for your sweet note at the end of your post.
I love you!
Andrea, Scream, cry, abuse your co-workers if you want to. Everyone is allowed to have a... or even a string of bad days. DO NOT appologize for your emotions. I appreciate your posts. Everyone that follows your posts cares about your journey. I have said at work that I look forward to reading your posts because you are real in the posts. This is my chance to be a part of your experience without you having to repeat it over and over. If you did not show your emotions I would really be worried. Let us be your sounding board. Love you girl.
-Melissa & DC : )
Andrea-
I think everything you just said came straight from the heart. I hate to see you in this much pain. My best way to deal with it is to try to make you laugh at work ( you know, in my horrible ways during music therapy). I know you roll your eyes, but i believe deep down YOU LOVE ME SO!. Anyway, I am still planning on deflating Luke's punching bag and bringing it to work to put in the bathroom. We(the non-adopting world) cannot imagine how you go through this but your strength is amazing and we are so proud of how you have handled this entire process. I hope to continue to try to be a strong support for you. Know you can always lean on me and hide out in the bathroom (or closet you can now walk in) whenver you want and i will still give you the most EXCELLENT evaluation. I love you dearly!
Ang
Andrea, thank you for honesty. There's nothing better than honesty in my opinion, and it helps me to be a better friend to those around me going through really tough things including an adoption. Sometimes when you're not the one going through something like an adoption, it's really hard to know what to say and it helps so much for someone to really say what's on their heart. Thank you, thank you. I'm praying for you, and we are all crying with you and we can't wait to rejoice with you.
Daisy
Andrea,
I understand what you are going through and you do have the right to be mad! I'll be mad with you! Thanks for sharing the TRUTH of the matter. I'll be praying for you! Roseann
Andrea, Once again, you have nailed the way I feel and the words I have spoken over the past few days. I am so grateful to have found your blog (Thanks, Lou-- I found it on yours).
PGN and its director are imperfect and at times like these , evil. Our children belong with us and because of the way they have to get here being imperfect, we all suffer. I have learned that when people are at a loss for words, they tend to put it on God and His timing. I trust God daily. That is the ONLY way I have made it this far in this process. Nevertheless, it is difficult to endure.
I had one of your days today, as well. I found myself in the bathroom at my school, having it out with God. I cried, quietly "screamed" and then felt a little better. Please know that I am praying for you every day and am believing your milestones that are coming up will be celebrated with your precious baby boy!!
((HUGS)) from another frustrated and down Guatemama.
Amanda
My experiences with Archie have taught me that, for the most part, people really don't know what to say. So they offer platitudes that are truthful, but are never that comforting.
That is why I like to say things like, "It sucks, I know!"
Now, I realize this isn't a very intelligent response, but at least it's honest.
You hang in there, Andrea. I know this sucks, and I hope that very soon all of this pain will be replaced by the joy and excitement you'll feel when you're able to bring your boy home.
Anne
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